Notes to Myself

I just finished attended the Grow Rich With Bazi 2019 class with Joey Yap. It was definitely interesting and insightful.

I’m not writing to say how great the program was. I’m writing because for the past months, in fact, it started since last year, the signs are getting stronger and stronger.

Things changed the moment I decided to take the HR course. Maybe it really is some affinity and thus we get to know each other, my partner. That was the year I’m supposed to meet a mentor. And then it was then that he proposed that we do a partnership. It was also then that he guided me on how to proceed in my work. And then another friend of my showed me the tarot readings. That probably lead me even further. And the daily readings all showed very clearly what I should do.

I know. My intuition is talking to me. And it’s getting clearer because I am using it.

Not Even Today

Just 1 day, I thought I could decide and do something I want. I was wrong. Only until 6.30pm. Like that I rather you don’t take leave and I meet you for dinner. I want to go back and you want to leave me there. How late will it be? 10pm?

Now I won’t even have a birthday cake. Maybe I should have skipped the free ice-cream.

On my 39th Birthday Morning

I just dumped a crying boy, who wants his mommy, at his grandparents hse ‘cos the mommy desperately wanted some me-time on her birthday.

Yup. It’s my birthday today. And yup. I just dumped my 2 kids at my parents’ house just so I can have a peaceful breakfast at the McDonald’s with a full set of Big Breakfast. No crying. No whinning. No wet tissues after wet tissues. No screaming. No fighting. Nothing. Just me. Just give me that 2 hours of peace. Just so I can blog a little. And get everything out of my head. And reflect, for the past 39 years.

2487 – my number for today

*breathe*

Don’t get it wrong. My life’s great. The kids are good. Lil’ hub’s getting better. Parents and sis’s fantastic. Work’s not too bad. I just need some me-time that ain’t located in the toilet, nor those rush moments during the weekday lunch, to think through things and see how I can make it even better. And to prep myself for the months to come. I can feel it, for whatever that’s coming.

You see, just a few weeks back, my MIL was hospitalised. Despite the fact that I do, sometimes, complained about the way she do things, nonetheless, I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to her. But alas, the news came and the counsellor mentioned that she’s suspected of having colon cancer. More tests were then made and came the day where the doc explained to us what was found. A big tumour, that covered almost a whole cross-sectional view of a part of the ascending colon that measures, on average, 6cm across, but leaving only a small gap in between that doesn’t allow a 1cm thick scope to go through. That’s the first, and I seriously hope, the last tumour photo that I will ever see.

The doc told us that there’s a 95% chance that it’s cancerous. And for a Stage 4 cancer patient to live up to 5 years is about 20%, with treatment. That left us dumbfounded for the doctor seemed so sure. And then the initial results came out, showing that it’s not cancerous, which made the doctor doubtful. So my MIL went for another scope, and now, we are in the waiting game again.

I’m an analyst. Based on what the doctor said, it’s highly unlikely that it’s not as much as I try to be hopeful. But then I am still hoping. We are still hoping and praying.

My MIL? She… well, not really that good although she tried to accept the fact. I haven’t had the time to sit down and talk to the lil’ hub yet about her mood. I saw her last night, she looked alright though. Hope she continues to be like that.

The lil’ hub? He… is managing well thus far but I’m quite sure he’s not feeling the full impact yet. There’s bits and pieces of guilt which I’m trying to brush it off. I mean, let’s just focus on the now. I do not want him to get distracted too much from his work either since it’s going to be a good year for him. And he’s changed quite a bit, or controlled, for the better.

So… I will try… as much as I can, and know how, and have the energy, to help him with regards to my MIL.

At the start of the year, I saw that both our bazi have a lot of changes at home. I’ve been wondering what. But now I know…

I just came back from a short Genting trip with my parents, without the lil’ hub who was at home accompanying his mother. It’s the first time I think I don’t want to be a single parent, if there is a choice.

The holiday is not like a holiday. My hands and eyes are mostly glued to the kids. At times when I’m holding something, I will held little milo tightly while my eyes are firmly glued at little milkie. I’m thankful that she’s rather obedient and that I don’t have to run after her nor shout at her much. Still, it was mentally and physically tiring for me despite the help from my parents and uncle. 3 nights of 4 to 5 hours of sleep. Was it my fault to watch the movie till late at night while waiting for my parents to come back at the same time and have some me-time? Or the early waking of little milo requesting for milk, brush teeth and more? Whatever the case is, it’s draining. And the last day wasn’t any better when the luggage broke and I had to, again, dump a crying boy with my parents so that I could dash around to buy the scotch tape and burgers, fixed the luggage, buy the baby wipes, and made it in time to board the bus, where I only had an hour of sleep before little milo stayed awake, and talked throughout the whole journey back!

*breathe*

Little milo? He’s getting sticky after the trip. Probably he’s seen me a tad too often for the past 4 days. Otherwise he’s good and he’s getting better although we will arrange and send him for the speech therapy. I guess the lil’ hub is a little too busy with his mother for now. Maybe I should take over that portion.

His teachers had commented that his motor skills and speech needed improvement. Had already taken note and will try to brush him up in those areas.

Little milkie? She’s good. Enjoying her holiday that’s ending soon, which means I need to quickly get her to finish up the rest of her homework. She did ask me to bring over for her to do too, which I’m glad.

Holiday ending soon. Just 2 more weeks, and the routine will start again. I ought to clean out and tidy up the notes for their Heguru too.

*breathe*

Parents? So far so good. Let it remains that way.

Sis? I’ll need to talk to her. Seriously need to talk to her. Finding time. Finding time. I need time.

Time. I don’t have the time to do the list of things that I want to. This year seems to be a year for me to learn things. From python, to all sorts of metaphysics stuff. I’m working on it, as much as I can but my energy is depleting when I felt lack of sleep. But I can’t sleep when I have to wake up so early. And I will sleep late if I try to study a little bit more.

But my plan is still there. 2 more years. I haven’t been really following that strictly. Will probably have to start doing that now that it’s exactly 2 years. The plans that I had wanted all these years. It’s moving but still at a slow speed. I NEED TO MOVE IT FAST NOW!

Great. Calm down. You can do it.

I know I didn’t manage to write everything out. Anyway, I’m already back at home after sneaking out for 1.5 hours and the boy cried for 1.5 hours. And now I’ve got my boy calling out for me every now and then, my girl bugging me to make the eye patch for her soft toys and my nephew who kept chatting with me.

And I still got to help my cousin on his python homework tomorrow. Meeting my partner to discuss how I can proceed tomorrow. Going to attend a seminar class for the next few days and taking an exam which I haven’t study. Completing an assignment which I haven’t finished listening to the classes. And then meeting a friend, and another friend, and planning for the clubhouse gathering, little milkie’s birthday, and…

That’s my life. A little burnout but I’m happy. I just need some more self-care and a little me-time. And some time to meditate and be in peace with myself, with the nature.

Happy birthday, my dear! You’ve done well! Keep up the good work and press on!

Start of June, 2019

I might have lost all my photos. I might have lost all my designs. But look on the bright side, at least what I wrote is saved.

It’s the first day of June. I’ve been really busy and hadn’t been writing much. And one day, when I decided to start writing again, I realised this blog got infiltrated by malware. And it kept on directing the page to another site.

I tried to solve it. Paid $120 to the web hosting company to resolve the issue. They did, and then shortly after about a week later, despite following their instructions to update any plugins or wordpress version to the latest, changing the passwords, it got hacked by malware again.

I decided not to pay again. I mean seriously, the sum is not small. And so, since I still prefer to own my blog instead of going for free ones, I made a decision to clear it all. Exported and posts and imported it back in again. So yes, it’s free of malware now.

And here I am, on clean slate, and I am happy. ^^

It’s Saturday today, and I’m not going to spend my time to set up this blog. So I will leave it like that for now, before I threw in the colours. I’ve got tons of other things to do, as in, a really long list. And I don’t wish to sit on it for too long. It’s a good month, my second favourite month, I shall work harder.

How’s May?

Busy. Busy. Busy. Busy. But at least, I survived. There are so many things to do until I have no idea where to start. There are so many things to read until my brain feels so bloated every night.

But anyway, again, I’ve survived and I will strive, moving forward.

May, You Will Be Better!

“Do not procrastinate or you will be even more stressed.”

Why didn’t I listen to that when I’ve already been forewarned? Was it because that I only believe in it half-heartedly? Or was it simply because I am so used to procrastinating?

*BREATHE*

April’s over. It had been a loooooong month. Is it over yet? The month might have, but the load of work had piled into a high mountain, with the stress level way over my limit, pushing me off the edge and making me fall, and keep on falling for days until I managed to grab hold of something and catch my breathe today.

No, it’s not that the work are cleared. It’s just that I managed to find a ledge and finally steadied myself a little and breathe. I looked up and I know I’ve got a long way back. It won’t be easy but I have to do it. There won’t be much help. I’m alone.

And meanwhile, in the next coming month, I will need to restrain from eating fried, oily, spicy food and opt for a healthier lifestyle in order to keep myself in tip top health so as to climb back up.

Looking back at the past month, I wondered how I survived…

Kids – a promise is a promise. The month started with me busy clearing work but at the same time preparing for little milo’s birthday. I’m happy that I still managed to pull it off despite the last minute work but on slight expense of my work. Then came…

Work – it had been HORRENDOUS! I can’t even remembered what exactly happened for tons and tons of things just seem to be thrown in my direction. Firstly, I am the most junior in my team and my boss, and so let me experience more things which I am glad to, so in the end, I seem to be partly involved in each part of what the other 3 team members are doing, on top of my own work. Timing was bad as one kept getting sick, the other started part time, and my boss’s family had some issues, so I am the only one around at one point. Don’t even try to imagine. After that…

Project it’s not the initial plan but I agreed to proceed anyway since it’s just a matter of time. Hardly slept much during that period for little milo woke up at 3am or 4am, and refused to sleep. What’s worse?

MORE Kids – then little milkie joined in the fun to give me added stress, for she will, in my opinion, forced herself to cry almost every other day, before she goes to school. Why? She said she is afraid of doing the homework wrongly. But it doesn’t stop there…

Hub – with all the low morale going on in his office (mine too, you know!) + due to the car, his mood hasn’t been good and it can be seen easily with all the outburst every 1 to 2 weeks. Boy, I broke down a few times too because of you. But sometimes when the luck of those around you ain’t so good, it simply drags you further…

Kids Again – friend commented that little milo’s development seems to be slower and thus suggested us to bring him for some evaluation, which I agreed and did, as recently I did bring it up to the hub on my concerns. And so, with his fever still up, I brought him there and the lady told me the not too good news. It wasn’t that bad, but I took it quite hard as I knew I could have done better to prevent all these from happening. And so…

Play – our lifestyle changed. We brought the children out to playgrounds. Changed their bedroom to a “gym” room instead with a trampoline and peanut ball, and probably more to come. Got little milo to exercise his mouth muscles too. But there’s the trickiest part…

Oldies – the next few days, disregarding the fact on respecting the seniors, I blasted at whoever that will deprive little milo from learning. And it’s hard work. It’s pissed off work. And the thing that got me so irritated was the fact that my MIL commented that we slept like pigs and never do anything for him. I applauded the hub for reprimanding her that she probably is part of the big cause for helping milo too much and giving in to him for anything and everything. So much for the help, but no thanks anymore, I will take over from now on. I do not like to be marked as ‘lazy pig’. Done? No…

Website Down – this site was infected with malware. And if you had been reading, you will know how frustrated I will get for my main outlet is gone. Then I had to pay to get it cleaned up. It’s like… What?!@#%^&/$%

And Again – teacher texted me about little milkie’s anxiety issues, and that it could be due to her homework. Told us to check for her. I did. I have always been doing.

I broke. My mind broke. My body broke. I don’t know which came first.

I sat at the McDonald’s with a friend. I knew he knew, so I don’t have to hide and I couldn’t hide for it’s simply too much to handle all these things at a time. I’ve lost the strength to fight. My directions are gone. I’m not eating. I want to cry every now and then. I’m tired, physically, mentally, emotionally. You guys have problems, but what about me?

My fever went up to 39.2°C. I slept, and slept, doing minimal work. Fever gone down on 1 May. I bought the Hogwarts Express Lego set and was happier. It’s also the first time that little milo requested to build the lego with us. I saw him trying his best to fix the small little pieces of Lego together, and was freaking happy when he did it, and I wondered, he never give up, I shouldn’t too, no matter how difficult or draining it will be.

It’s not too late. Remember, it’s not too late. You can make everything better, because it’s you. And you know you can do it. Trust yourself. You are water.

Movie – Avengers: Endgame

That was the moment that I’ve been waiting since morning. To watch the final movie of this big franchise that I’ve followed since n-years ago. And now that the 3 hours had gone, excitement disappeared and is replaced by a sense of loss.

Is this really the end of the ‘game’?

Let’s recap. In the last movie, the Infinity War, Thanos snapped a finger and half of the Universes’ population disappeared.

(SPOILERS AHEAD)

The movie started with what was seen in part of the trailer, where is shows Hawkeye teaching his daughter to use the bow and arrow. That was before the ‘snap’. I supposed you know what happens next.

The movie then began really slowly, to show the part where Ironman recorded a message in his helmet with whatever power that was left. It was sad. There don’t seem to be any hope left but something unexpected happened. Was that the hope that everyone thinks it is?

*Gasp*

Lost. Despair. Failure. They tried. They all tried but there is nothing that they can do. For a short while, I really thought that was the end though it’s definitely not possible because we are only 30 minutes into the movie! That was when one thing came after another, and there was not a moment where I felt that I can missed it to go for a toilet break!

I love this movie! Even though the pace was rather slow at the front part of the movie as it tries to build up the story, and to connect the pieces up. But at the end of it, it seems like there were some kind of closure for all the characters (I can’t think of any that doesn’t yet), especially the main ones. Tad sad though…

Anyway, great movie. Biggest takeaway? Back to the future is not real!!! Can you imagine that?!! *facepalm*

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Movie – Captain Marvel

Woohoo! I’m so happy I managed to catch this movie before it went off the screen! Initially had decided not to watch this as I have no idea where this Captain Marvel came from, who seems to be so powerful. But as I definitely will be watching Avengers: Endgame, we decided to watch this so that at least we will know who this character exactly is, and I definitely don’t regret watching this!

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As I never read any reviews or storyline before that, it took a while before I realised that the story in this movie happened WAY before the Avengers were created, and that was when Nick Fury still has both eyes! But well, the story started off nicely, with Captain Marvel having a bad dream (or memories), and then looking for her mentor, Yon-rogg (Jude Law!!!!), who trained her to control her abilities. Apparently it seems like our Captain Marvel lost all her memories.

Then they were sent for a rescue operation but who knows, it turns out that it was a trap! And Captain Marvel was captured! From then on, the movie brings us through a roller coaster ride with almost non-stop actions!

*Phew!*

I’m definitely very thankful that I watch this. At least now I know where did those powers came from. And I know exactly how did Nick Fury lost one of his eyes. And now, I am ready for the Endgame!

 

So where is Daddy?

It’s 10.30pm and the kids finally decided to go to sleep after I got them out from rolling around the bed and brushed their teeth with my stern voice.

Rewind a little:

I went to bathe, finally decided not to make the Snorlax figurines today for little milo’s birthday. It was simply too late and I was totally exhausted physically and mentally. Took a warm shower, and didn’t hear much noise. Thought that the kids had slept but alas, they were faking sleep in order to skip brushing their teeth. So where is daddy? Well, he is out there at the balcony on the massaging chair. Wth.

Rewind a little:

The lil’ hub was still bathing. And as I sat in the living room, little milkie took out her homework and couldn’t find her exercise book. She started to cry and said that she don’t want to go to school again. I offered her a few suggestions and with my aching arms, I took her bag and searched since she said she remembered putting it inside. And guessed what, I found it in one of the compartments.

Just as I finished, the lil’ hub shouted from the toilet to ask me to get him a towel. So I did. And then I went back to little milkie, where I guided her on another homework. Once she’s done, I carried little milo into the room to get him to sleep. And then little milkie shouted for me again, to get me to sign something. The moment I’m out. Little milo from inside shouted for my company. Went in and he insisted me to read storybooks for him. So where is daddy? Well, he just came out from the toilet. And so after reading 2 books, I told little milo to ask daddy to read the other 3.

Rewind a little:

He wants to go home. He wants to stay at grandma’s house, and it repeated a few times. As expected, the moment we left, my mom called and said he wanted to follow us. So I went up and brought him down. Just before I buckled him up, he cried and wanted to stay at grandma’s house but I ignored him for it happened before, and it never ends.

So for the whole journey, he cried at the top of his voice, little milkie mimicked his crying and I was just trying to breathe. Eventually, the crying stopped after he got tired, I took out my hp and showed them.the videos we took, and went to wash the car at the petrol kiosk. So where is daddy? Well, he is driving and cannot be distracted.

Rewind a little:

It had been a long day and I was glad it was coming to the end of the day but I’ve still got something to rush. And the the phone rang, it was little milkie. She called to complain about her little brother who refused to lend her his new bicycle. But from what I know, she had not been friendly a lot of times too. Told her repeatedly that I will talk to both of them when I reach home but she refused and then she simply hung up the phone. Pissed, of course. I called her and lectured her a little.

The lil’ hub rambled about cars on and off. Disrupted my sentences every now and then. Wth.

Reached mom’s place, took a bottle of Stella Artois and then started chasing them back home. Little milkie was on the new bicycle and she demanded another one for her. Got another round of lecture from me.

Rewind a little:

Busy.

Rewind a little:

Busy.

Rewind a little:

Busy.

Rewind a little:

Busy.

Rewind a little:

Busy.

Rewind a little:

Busy.

… The program is busy. Do you wish to close or wait?…

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Signs from the Universe

I’ve been feeling weird lately. Like the Universe is trying to tell me something.

I tried on YouTube tarot readings twice – and both roughly pointed me to the direction that something great is coming, and that I should not resist but to simply just embrace it. And in time to come, I will be great. Just trust myself. With one telling me that if I am expecting a child, it will come (but am I?).

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And then I’ve got weird dreams. One of them showing me at my auntie’s funeral, and then suddenly, she came alive, and very alive. Read online and one site stated that it symbolises a new beginning while my friend said that it’s my inner self telling me that I am beginning to be more decisive, and will complete what I want to do, which is the character of my auntie. Then the other day, I dreamt that my Secondary school Math teacher’s wife is pregnant with his 4th child, but she is already in her early 50s! Again, I searched online, and it guided me towards a part of me growing, while my friend said that, it is telling me that it’s not too late. Whatever the case is, it still feels weird.

What’s even more bizarre was, a week ago, my nephew suddenly, out of nowhere, asked me if I wanted a 3rd child. I stared at him blankly and asked him why, which he said he’s just asking. It’s weird because the last time I had little milo (2nd child), he said he wanted me to have a child instead of his mom when a cousin just randomly asked him. And shortly after, I’m pregnant. And before I knew the gender of the baby, little milkie ever told me that there was this boy (quite handsome), over there at the window. O.O”’

Try listening to them sometimes, they probably had been trying to tell you something. It’s just that you’ve never realised it.

My First Tarot Reading

I had always been curious about Tarot reading but never took the chance to read up on it. I even bought a deck a few years back because I like the design a lot, and only managed to open it a week earlier. But there seems to be too many things on my plate this year, with little milkie embarking on her new journey in a new school with so many responsibilities, little milo changed to a school which gave me quite a number of headaches, and the lil’ hub somehow buying a relatively expensive car without giving enough thoughts. And because of all these (and a lot more others), I’m beginning to feel drained, just after a quarter of the year.

A friend, who had always been reading on-off, started sending me links to YouTube videos on it and then after seeing a nice Tarot deck, I bought it again. On the day it arrived, I merely took the guidebook. But like what I have always done with my Yi Jing book, I was only briefly thinking “show me my state now”, and it did. Was it my inner self that drew the page out? I don’t know but it somehow did reflect what I was feeling and what I should do. And so that night, I spent a few hours reading up on Tarot and Oracle cards, and then I decided to start on this journey.

I took out the deck that I bought years ago, the Shadowscapes Tarot, and then I finally opened it up. I decided to ask, in general, how can I improve the life that I have now, when I seem to be having so many issues. And it replied saying that I already have the authority and wisdom to decide and know what I need to do. I just need to trust my own judgement.

So, I started doing my daily reading today. I asked how I can motivate myself, and I drew the Six of Cups.

The Six of Cups is a reminder of childhood innocence, good intentions, noble impulses, simple joys and pleasures. It is not meant to be overly sentimental, but more an urging to remember the open-mindedness of a child’s perspective, and to push back the narrowness that folds in on you over time, with the complexities of life and responsibility.

20190401_081605-995x995It seems to be telling me to remember how I used to be like, innocent and happy. Forever doing things that I love. No anger, no hatred, always being helpful. To reconnect with my childhood and reminiscence the past, and hopefully back to who I am…

Have you tried on any Tarot reading yet? Let me know if you did, and what deck resonates with you.