i hope you can finally understand me

2 years already.. and now i’m sitting in front of the pc, again. its not the first time i did this. but its the first time i really wanted to convey the message to him. right across to him..

my mind is very clear now. probably my stomach clouded with shit though but that ain’t a problem for me now. at 11.35pm, when i can sleep already, but i choose not to. i really hope he can understand, understand how i’m feeling and what i’m thinking. i don’t need him to guess what i’m thinking, i’ll tell him… now..

~friends~
everyone’s past will affect how him/her live now. likewise for him and me. not that i wanted to restrict him from talking to females.. but i just don’t wish to see history repeating. not just on me, on a lot of people that i know. it always happened very naturally. a girl is sad, a guy is sad too… both feel very troubled, maybe because of work, relationships, anything. and one fine day, they started chatting… sms, msn.. whatever.. and they realised they can understand each other and BAM! things just happens… who’s fault? none…

but he just don’t understand how i feel… right?
whats her name? ivy… that look.. nah.. suck. wenhui? imagine a girl who always remembers a guy’s birthday when he’s already attached? best friends? good friends? i don’t know… all i know is.. i think she’s fond of him.. tell me not to be scared… female colleagues? you know… i really envy them.. in fact, to a point i’m really jealous of them… they get to see him 5 days a week. 8 hours at work. and weekend, sometimes they still sms him? for? can you understand how i feel? msn? i’m not even sure if he’s talking to them on that… but can you understand what kind of ‘fear’ i’m having? he’s surrounded by girls.

“can you understand how i feel not?”
precisely it’s because i put myself in your shoes. precisely its because i want you reassure you again and again. and precisely because i love you so much. and thats why i’m willing to lead a life with hardly any contact with any of my guy friends. i’m surrounded by male colleagues but after work, thats it, i don’t talk to them. you said i got so many friends. yes i do…. but if you get to see the life i’m living now… i’m hardly talking to any of them. and i don’t blame you. and stop saying that i can go out with my friends and have more personal time. you are not even me, how can you just decide what i want to do? or what i ACTUALLY want to do? you don’t even understand how i’m feeling, how could you just assume what i’m thinking?

yes… i cut down a lot of contacts with my friends because of you. but thats because i love you and i want to spend more time with you. and i know by spending more time with you, you will be happier. and when you are happier, it makes me happier. and i don’t wish to tell them about my problem or what i did for that day. the person i want to tell is YOU. its just that simple. but why do you have to make things so complicated? do you understand this part??

if yes, continue to read on. else, you can re-read and think about it….

~security~
i believe i used to not give him enough of that. but i think that was a long time ago. i honestly believe that i gave him enough security now. but the thing is… i’m lacking that from him.. now..

he might not know. he might not feel it. i don’t feel as secure as i used to be… there’s a lot of possibilities.
he don’t seem as caring as before, not when we first started. probably because now we really know each other and he’s treating me more like his. still remember when we go eat ‘yu tou lu’, he’ll always take the soup for me. now he still does, but not as often. sometimes he’ll just say “you take on your own ok?” i’m not saying its right or wrong. but small changes does affect one’s thinking. and its not just ‘cos of that, of course…

ever since he started working, he’s been so busy. yes, one thing i’m glad, he finally understands that working makes one very tired. but then… he changed.. he’s always so busy (i’m ok with it). he’s always so tired (i’m ok with it too). he’s not as caring as before. his temper became bad again.

every saturday morning… i’ll wake up early in the morning. do my things, chat with my mum before i went to meet him. i’m always so happy in that morning ‘cos i can FINALLY see him. and that always makes me wonder if he feels the same way too ‘cos he never mentioned much always. anyway, whenever i finally saw him, of course i’m so happy… but.. like 10-15 minutes later… somehow, most of the time, that happiness will diminished… why? either he ‘shoot’ me, or he gave me an annoying look. why? either i did something or i never do something… its early in the morning… and all i got from him was that…

one day.. is ok… one week.. still tolerable…
2 years… i don’t know what to say…

i feel stupid whenever he did that. ‘cos i find myself so stupid somehow, like always doing the wrong things. but when it gets too much, i start to question myself. is it me or him? how can i trust a person to love me when he can get so irritated with me? so often with the things that i’m doing? how can i feel secure with him? when probably he has no such problems with any of his colleagues – rachel, jaime, vanessa etc. (link back to the first point). and of course he will NOT have such problem with his female colleagues because he only talk this way to those close to him. he don’t used to talk to me in that manner either… he changed… do you get this part?

if yes, continue to read on. else, you can re-read and think about it….


~happiness~
your wish is for everyone to be happy…
i’m telling you.. i’m not happy..
‘cos you are not happy..
do you understand?

if yes, continue to read on. else, you can re-read and think about it….

this IS my friend. my blog.
when i’m happy, i wrote down my happiness.
when i’m angry, i scribbled my frustration.
when i’m sad, i cried here.
if you want to know what i’m thinking. come here.
if i never post anything here. it isn’t as bad as you think.
so don’t think.
do you understand?

if yes, continue to read on. else, you can re-read and think about it….

~me~
i can feel myself sinking… sinking into the deep ocean… but still everyday, i tried hard to keep myself afloat. i know i need to try everyday for if once i stop, i’ll start sinking all the way. i’m tired but i know i need to try. but it ain’t easy.. to pull myself and the one i love, up together. i don’t have the strength alone. i need his help. but everytime he gave me a pull down.. i sink with him.. deeper and deeper… i don’t wish for miracles. i wish for him to wake up and start thinking. not just for himself, but for the two of us. i can’t do it… alone…

who am i?
i’m short, only 1.55m tall. average size. looks a bit adorable. i love myself. i love my family, and i love my bf a lot. i’m quite confident of myself. why? ‘cos i really love myself. to me, without confidence, you can’t achieve anything. and a confident person wins half the battle for almost anything. i’m very messy. ever since young but its a lot better already. i don’t care about a lot of things but now i’m trying to get control of my own life. i don’t save, or at least i don’t used to but now, i do, at least i’m trying. clearing my loans now. i’m rather blur, but that depends on whether i want to be blur or not. or at least, when i’m in front of my bf, i chose to be the blur blur mouse, than a smart one. my general knowledge suck. i hate history and politics. i love calculations. i love to use my brain. i love programming and i hate programming too. i don’t like to see myself idle too much. i used to waste a lot of time and now i’m regretting and so i’ll try and make use of every single seconds that i have (as much as possible) and thats why i got so many things to do. most of the time, my temper is rather good, but please don’t make me pissed. good temper doesn’t mean none. being nice doesn’t mean you can take advantage of it. i can be very bad if i want to. don’t try me.

whats your favourite past time?
stay at home and watch tv and do cross-stitch. preferably got my dear beside me (excluding his nagging) or lie on the sofa and rot and chat with my mum.

whats your favourite hobby?
sleeping. if i can sleep that is. i’m always suffering from slight insomnia. so if i can sleep. i’ll sleep. its contradicting because i want to keep myself busy. but the busy-ness kept my brain active and me awake. and i’m a person lacking of security, i kept waking up, unless my dear is sleeping beside me or i sleep in my parent’s room.

whats your favourite food?
fish. banana.

what are the food you dislike?
beef. mutton. pork. dislike doesn’t mean don’t eat.

what are the food you don’t eat?
clam shells (or anything in that family), fatty meat, durians (or related), lady’s finger.

what are the food you feel like eating but don’t get to eat?
ba ku teh, pig’s leg. b’cos dear think i don’t eat them when i already mentioned that i DO eat, and i like it, just that i eat very little.

do you understand all these?

if yes, continue to read on. else, you can re-read and think about it….

if cutting off from those girl friends of yours is so difficult for you..
if i’m to blame for you for not having friends as a result of that just because you don’t have any guy friends..
if you really think that i’m having double standard but not you..
fine.. i’ll really wash my hands off it from now on..
maybe.. i’ll be better off not thinking how close you are with all those females.. ha.
12.44am. i’m going to sleep. goodnight.
i hope tomorrow is a better day…

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