as you grew older, your life gets complicated. i thought back at the time when i was only 4. all i did was to play my jigsaw puzzle, lego, colouring, origami and cutting of colour papers into shapes. how i wish i was older then. then at the age of 10, played organ, joined choir and ensemble, played barbie doll, collected lots of stickers, woke up early in the morning on the weekend and looked out at the trees in front of my house. how i wish i was even older then, so i can always go out. when i was 13, something happened. i hated her for causing chaos in my family. ever since then, i wanted to leave this house. how i wish i was old enough to earn money and moved out.
i’m 26 now. what kind of person am i? how well do i know myself?
ever since quite young, probably about 15 years old, i had very much like to get married and start a family of my own, in my own house with the person i love. *close my eyes and imagine* wake up every morning, the first person i saw, the man whom i married to, the man whom i love, thats it, happily start my day by giving him a squeeze and a big kiss. then off to prepare breakfast. but then… i started to realise, it isn’t as simple as that. it isn’t that simple to find that someone whom you can share your whole life with. i’d tried hard and i’d failed. badly. to the point, which is this point, i’m starting to think if i still can love someone already. when i no longer feel that i love myself. how can i love someone else? i don’t trust myself anymore. can i still bring happiness to people? to the person that i love?
ask me what i want… i do know what i want. never have i been so clear on what i look for in a partner. all those years, i only knew that i don’t want this and that in a person. but now i do… he don’t have to be perfect, can have lots of flaws, flaws that weird enough, i can accept which i never thought i could. and yet so many strong points which i can’t exactly point out which and what i’m attracted to. but when i’m with that person, i will feel very secure, till the point i feel totally helpless and become that little girl with no worries. but yet, i won’t be overly dependent on him. weak but yet strong at the same time, to support him in whatever things he does.
i hate to be alone. ‘cos i’m scare of loneliness. thats why for every end of a relationship, you’ll see me with someone else soon after. but not all guys that i ended up with, is ‘cos i’m scare of loneliness or that i’m vulnerable. at least i know for sure, two of them aren’t. why am i so sure? ‘cos the feelings are different. its not the “grow to love” kind, its more of the “dream come true” kind of love. those kind of love that you are subconsciously looking for. but then… its all at the wrong timing. to love someone, isn’t to possess that person. as long as he/she is happy, that will be enough…
i’m gonna stop talking to friends about any love life of mine ‘cos i think i’m closing this chapter of my life for now. after being in relationship after relationship for about 10 years, probably i really had enough. too tired to continue. life isn’t just about love, right?