Email Dug Out

I’m so sleepy. Having headaches now. Couldn’t sleep last night so ended up talking to WZ till 2am before I can bring myself to sleep… not so soundly. Anyway… the email “down” again. LS sent an email yesterday asking people to use the webmail but seriously, I don’t think a lot of people really understand the use of THAT email (only they understand), so there goes. I’m stuck. No outlook. Don’t remember that new password. And LS not in the office yet. Damn it.

I am SO full! Just now I bought fish soup bee hoon for lunch. But I thought of eating popiah, so I went to buy 3 because there are like 6 of us. But who knows, one don’t eat, and the rest never eat much also. I think I ate one whole row on top of my bee hoon, which there was a small worm inside. Hmm… I think I handle the scary worm but better than last time already.

I was… clicking around my Yahoo email and I found the following email under “Draft”. I guess I never sent it out but after re-reading what I wrote at that time (March 2006), I suddenly remembered how pissed I was back then, and why the things happen the way it happened after that…

Here it goes…

if there’s any chance, i’ll record down the arguments that we had, and played it for u to listen. replayed it for u to listen again. which you don’t probably realised, that you always don’t get what i want to say. because half of the time, either you interrupted my sentences. or you just interpreted the whole idea into another. why? i dunno. dun ask me that. i can’t answer. don’t keep asking me questions. i can’t answer all questions. i dun have the answers to everything. but you don’t care. you never does. you just ask and ask and ask. why why why. like i’m the criminal in the court. and you are that lawyer and you just ask and keep on asking, interrogating me. even asking questions, which i’ll be like, huh? where did that come from?

why do i feel so bad everytime you bring that up? bcos i felt like i’m being blamed everytime you bring that up. do u ever remember, just for once, how you will say it, whenever that was brought up? “ya lor, just like you (or someone) lor. *sarcastic laughter* dunno too nice or what.” this is just a minor way of you saying that. i wished i could record down the way you said it plus ya tone. but it never occurred to you that you sounded extremely sarcastic. and everytime you do that. its me again lor. its my fault right? no matter whatever reasons which i gave you before, to you, its all invalid. i’m convicted. i can’t remember exactly what did i do at this point in time already. all i can remember was ya constant non-stop and bombarding of questions at me, all over again and again. and ya blame at me. and then thats it, i’m to be blamed. and everytime u said it, it reminds only that I AM TO BE BLAMED. and thats it. i feel bad. of course i feel bad. imagine someone blame you. and he brings it up again and yet again. i’m telling you, its a torment to me.

dun understand right? ya, you probably never will.there’s a lot of things probably you will never get to understand. “ya, you can do then others cannot lor”. yes, there are certain things that i don’t see it on myself. i admit that. but that goes the same for you. you don’t like me to talk to guys. you don’t need to say it. ‘cos you always showed it. i try as much, i don’t. i hardly talk to my guy friends. i hang out with my female colleagues at work. you said i’m comparing. then fine, you let me have my way. am i asking for that? no, i’m not. you are only assuming things from the things that i said. you implied all those things yourself. when did i ever say it? no, i never. if its you, you know what you will say “don’t put words into my mouth”. you assumes and you assumes and you still assumes. i’d said that before. times before. i’d said a lot of things, a lot of times before. but i’m never heard. or is it that i’m not suppose to expect any changes from you at all because that is ya character?

you stop talking to wenhui. ya, i know that. i can see that. i never ask u to do that, but in a way i’m glad. and i dun just choose all the girls and dun allow all of them from talking to you. please, if they were to mind their hands, i think i wouldn’t feel as bad. i dun think jaime nor rachel will keep hitting you when they talk to u right? why huiling? please lor, weekends she still msg you. i’ve got no idea if she got msg other ppl or not. but u two, chit-chatting during the weekends. as much as you dun like me to talk to guys, i think u gotta see what you are doing also, be it matter i mind or not. or do you want me to say something similar to what you would say “well, if you wanna lie to me, i also dunno mah”.

…End of email

I’ll be seeing him this Saturday at DL’s wedding, after almost 1.5 years… But I did make my point. I can don’t contact my ex if I don’t want to. And I can still contact them and remain just as friends only if I want to.

Customer not free, so I ended up just having dinner with NN. But I was so tired then. Well, at least I managed to get the CDs from her. Went to Zhu’s house after that.

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