Reversed Thoughts

I just bathed. Cleaned. My mind is calm. I had an urge to write. Write about my thoughts and feelings. To recall the things happening for the past few days, weeks, months… in the reversed way.

I read a blog. Someone’s blog. “Suicidal”, is the title of one of the entries. I read some of it. The more recent ones. I found parts of the contents a little familiar. I felt rather ashamed. But yet, a pang of jealousy at some. I’m better at controlling my thoughts, feelings and emotions now. I am in control, at least at this point. I get worried, though, why should I? I get jealous, though, why should I? And then on the other hand, I don’t really care, though, I should. It’s getting all mixed up but yet, I’m balancing it now. I am learning, to balance things now.

It’s sweet. Really sweet. From the point where I woke up, till I closed my eyes and sleep. But how long will this last? How long can it last? I’m rather afraid to lose that feeling. It balances and fills out the part of me that was empty all along. Why am I so reluctant to let go?

It’s a mess… I know I did it badly. But I don’t really have a choice. I just can’t do it. I fused so easily. Kill me… I’m trying…

Last few days. No words can describe this feeling. The yearning was so great. The hurt was enormous. I tried to take and give as much as possible. And I seemed to be sprouting nonsense now but I am not. I cried. Though I only remembered it vividly but I know I did. I will never forget.

Envy killed and broke me down. I cried hard. Lost for words. Desperately tried to get some support. I wanted to give up but I couldn’t. Why…?

It was the best times I ever had for such a long time. A peaceful and happy place where nobody will disturb you. A place where you call your own, and doesn’t have to act. So free. So nice. The bed was so soft. The bathtub was huge. A place to relax and have fun, lots of fun.

The feelings are getting stronger by the day. And then lesser at the other end. What is happening? Or has it already been that little for a long time? I wondered…

Shocked. What is this? Huh? It can’t be happening… It’s so… weird but yet nice. Everything of it.

I felt lost. My directions are gone, all gone.

There isn’t any time at all. Time doesn’t exist. I was totally focused. I never, for once, lose my concentration. But the satisfaction was great. I longed for it everyday. I felt the energy. More so when I see them. This is, my life.

It’s never good when you realised the someone who is closest to you, doesn’t seem to understand you at all, or maybe not as much. I tried. We tried. And we will try again.

Today is the 8 October 2010. 365 more days. Will I…?

I’d decided to try out for 886 again. Not that I’m digging my own grave and throwing myself into the shit hole, but I guess, it might be good, for me. My heart no longer belongs to me. It had been cut, into half, an unbalanced halves. Do I need to make it whole again? Or should I leave it like that and lead my life in this way? Ask me if I’m happy now? I can tell you honestly, I am. Confused, but happy.

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