Thoughts – When Everything Gets Overloaded

(unedited)

Day 10

When everything gets overloaded, it simply just burst. I’m tired and stress out. Don’t put anything on me anymore. No, it’s not your fault, I put it on myself. Yes, again, it’s always my fault. Always.

The accumulated lack of sleep n rest had already cause a turmoil in my body. The first sign – a pimple. One that I hardly get unless either I’m too stress or im simply having an extreme lack of sleep. For now, it’s both. The constant need to be alert added on to this both.

I’m not in good condition.

Stress had already been accumulated during the first few days when the lil’ hub was not around at night in the hospital. I was being thrown with the baby alone, with some help from the nurses, to breast feed her. With totally no knowledge of anything at all, I tried but was ended up with sore and bruised nipples due to a practically always hungry baby. And with lil m having a relatively high level of jaundice that kept her in the hospital for one more day. Ouch. Yes, as much as its normal for babies to have jaundice, it pains to see her crying in the nursery without anyone attending to her. And partly, yes I do blame it on myself for not bf her properly.

I wanted to give up on bf… I really do… But then… For the good of lil m, I told myself to persevere. I had to. And so I did, consulting the nurses and lactation consultants one after another, and search for information on the Internet, anything from breast feeding, to expressing milk by machine or hand. Even endured through the engorgement of breasts where the consultants had kindly assisted in massaging and expressing the milk out. I thought I survived. Why? Because both my nipples are healed and that lil m had been relatively cooperative. But alas, a check with the doctor today found that her weight had dropped. Did I do something wrong? Is it because my milk wasn’t enough?

Back at home, there wasn’t peace at all. Other than the cries of lil m, there’s also the crash of ideas from the different parties. I wonder, did I enforce my idea a little too much? Especially on bf? I’m being taught in the classes that its always best to let the baby latch. Otherwise, using a cup or syringe to feed the babies so as to avoid nipple confusion. Am I wrong to insist on using the syringe for a while? When I already gave in a little on the formula milk? Do I have to give up bf totally and let lil m rely on formula when I still am able to produce the milk? I’m already having the idea of just expressing the milk out only but could you let me have a try at still letting lil m latch on? Because as much as its taxing to latch her on, I like that feeling of her latching on, and me looking at her sucking and sleeping. But… Apparently she’s not getting enough…

It has totally nothing to do with the food that I’m eating anymore. I’m ok with it other than the fact that I think I need more heaty food because I seem to be starting to shiver, of which the mum blamed it on me for bathing when I’m told not to, and washing my hands with cold water, and breast feed while im upper naked. Hey… don’t you know it’s more important to nurse a health from the inside? And everytime when I bathed, I made sure I’m almost dry cleaning. Do u think with that little pail of yours, I can splash water on my body? The only time where I’ll catch a cold is when I perspire and then after that it just felt cold. No fans. I’m not in front of it. So is that a crime too? And FYI, I’m having rashes on my legs and body already because I think I’m too freaking dirty!

For the past few days, the lil hub wasn’t around as he had went back to work. Bad. It wasn’t a good time for him to head off back to work yet. I wasn’t ready to handle the baby without him, with only the help from my mum. Put it this way, while the lil hub is around, all I need to do is concentrate on bf lil m, and that sometimes the lil hub will help me to get the baby to latch on. After the feeding is done, I’ll just hand over to the lil hub and he will take over the burping and making sure that the baby falls asleep. But with him not around, the help from my mum wasn’t exactly complete. As much as my mum did try whatever she can, there’s just something missing… And it wasn’t easy to have one lesser helper, when the other 3 (me, mum and dad) can only provide limited help.

But ultimately… I probably wouldn’t have cried now if the lil hub hadn’t said me and triggered it. It’s just a tad slower, that the cotton ball wasnt brought to him as early as possible. I came out, told my mum to take the cotton ball to clean lil m’s mouth. The small pail was on the floor and I’m not allowed to bend and take it. She’s washing the bottles and so I washed my hands and waited. The lil hub came about and asked for the cotton ball, with some anger in his tone. That’s it. Is that my fault again? He’s hungry and only had his first meal at later afternoon just now, is that also my fault? His face was half black. I haven’t had my lunch yet, FYI, because I’m trying to feed lil m first. *cry*

My mum saw it and instead of being concern, she confronted my reasons for crying and said that I’m nonsensical for crying at small little things. Is that small? Does she know what I’m crying for? Does she know it’s an accumulative of stress and tiredness, and conflicts between my beliefs, knowledge and judgement. She knows nuts and yet she nagged and nagged, and kept on adding those sparks.

You know, if I can stop crying, I would already have… But the problem is I can’t. Even now, after almost an hour, the tears are still flowing down. It would be a lot better if the lil hub had been a little more loving and that the mum would just leave me alone and stop her nagging. The mum did but the lil hub left me alone too, commenting to the mum, “never mind, she’s like that, just leave her alone for a while and she’ll be okay”. Of course, I have to. Because after years of being with him, I can’t expect him to be always around, especially when I’m crying. He hates it. And now, all he cares about is probably just lil m. But can I say anything? No, because at least it’s lil m and not other people.

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