Thoughts – Marriage in Real

The mood’s swinging up and down again. The organizer’s closed for the past few days, and my schedules and what not, are all messed up. I needed some form of a break, for fresh air, and the clearance of the mind. But the lil’ hub don’t understand. He never understands, how stressful it is for me to want to meet that goal, so that I can rest my mind and continue the others. But maybe, really, I should just give it up, and start my “no expectation” theory.

How funny how life always ended up…

Marriage isn’t of any sort of what I had used to imagine it to be. Small cosy house (of course, not too small, 4-room is enough), with just the 2 of us and our children (just 2 at max). Lovey dovey even after years of marriage. I guessed it’s probably due to my parents that I had such thoughts.

But yet, in reality…

I dread going back to my own house at certain times, especially when I saw “flags” hanging at the window, or suddenly things “disappeared” by itself, or that the floor was extremely powdery. And I’m still sore about not having an electric stove (I’m scare of fire). Worse when I’m being “watched” while doing my own things. “Just leave me alone”, I would always pray in my heart. It doesn’t feel like my own house, really…

But yet, staying at my parents’ isn’t the best option. It’s a better option, but not the best, especially when it comes to disciplining the baby, or wanting to have a baby. It’s almost impossible to have another one when the person, the place and timing just weren’t right.

And the lil’ hub? Well… just not what I’d expected. And the best answer he can come up with when I told him about mine (or possibly his) issue is – You go and find another husband then. Great. Just great. While I’m here trying to tell you what’s happening, and see how we can resolve it (if any), and then you go telling me to look for another husband. With that puny brain of yours, I guess you can never be able to take my load when you’ve had yours.

That’s how different marriage is, from the happily ever after.

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