Thoughts – Triplicate Myself

“It’s not enough to duplicate myself anymore, it’s time to triplicate…”

I should be sleeping at a time like this after the pumping session. After all, sleeping time is scarce and every minute counts. But after a short miscommunication with the lil’ hub yesterday that caused some arguments, I’ve been seriously re-thinking about this – I feel so stupid.

I admit. I’m never one who care and take notes of my financial status or the money that I spent. Ask me how much anything, that I just bought, cost, the answer would probably and most likely to be “I don’t know”. It’s never in my blood, to love money. I mean, I do love the, but not to the extend where I will scrimp and save. I work to earn and to enjoy while I’m still alive, while trying to save some for rainy days. That’s how I feel, life should be. But I married someone who came almost opposite.

“Why am I paying again?”

The sentence itself wouldn’t have much effect on me but alas, it came with a tone and irritable face which I hated. Again? I would have just paid off had I heard it initially. But I didn’t. But after analyzing, despite the fumes that I’m still experiencing, I did apologize (in whatever tone I can come up with at that moment). But did you? For your tone. And what’s with the again? Are those money spent on the children not more than what you spent on the car if not equal? Am I totally not paying for anything already? I would still have one lump sum had I not supported you in coming out to do that stupid property thingy for a year and a half. Aren’t you even appreciative at all? Or are you simply just feeling unbalanced because you just paid a huge deposit for our second house and that I’m not forking out a cent (well, fyi, probably the cost for your kids [too] isn’t that little as what you think).

School fees are too expensive. Right. You only want to send them to those where it’s the cheapest without looking at the curriculum or environment. I never even send her to any extra activities and the current school is of a middle range and you are telling me this. Best if I can totally don’t send them and get my parents to look after them right? And if my parents can’t handle, you will ask your mum to quit her job and look after. But goodness, did you ever use your brain/ass to ask if your mum can handle them?

Is this how you teach them? Yes, thus little milkie never talks back to me but you let her have her way since young. And you HAD been disturbing her since then, what do you expect me to do when she’s shouting. Great. You guys had all the fun while I clear the shit and be the bad guy. You think I like to nag? I hated it but for the sake of my baby, I have to. A child sleeping at midnight and having to wake up early in the morning the next day? Can’t you even think how bad it is for your kid?!!

You never save. Yes, it’s true. I hardly. But do you see me spending tons of money monthly on other things? I would, even more, when my mood is bad. And why would my mood be bad? Because I felt like everything that I do or not do, if anything goes wrong, I will be the one to take the blame.

He is not the only one doing that.

My mum thinks that I’m a super woman (likewise the lil’ hub). We went out and back before my parent does. After my pump, I tried to clean and tidy up the place as much as possible. But I’ve only got x hours and one me, with two hands (thankfully). There is ONLY that many things I can do. And I have a lot. Of course, to you it might not be the case because you don’t have any hobbies at all. (and I ain’t going to live a life like you.) But I did pack as much as I can. What happened in the end? I’m totally unappreciated because it’s my duty to do all these. And I’m being blamed for not putting the shorts back in the box.

I need to pump. I need to wash bottles. You want me to help to bathe the baby. I help to buy lunch. You want me to pack the house. I look after the baby. I’m freaking lack of sleep. I slept. I got reprimanded for not being dirty and not bathing. I could hardly breathe at times, mum… But I can’t let you know because you will just say I’m crazy. I can’t cry in front of you because you will just tell me off and that I should spend the time to do something useful. It’s just like you scolding me for getting sick every time, and me feeling even worse when I’m sick, and you asking me to stop crying because somehow it irritates the hell out of you…

I felt stupid. Maybe I shouldn’t think and worry so much about other people other than myself. Why should I go and buy lunch? Why do I want to get a bed frame so that I can try and move little milo into my room so that you guys probably can get more rest. Why do I insist that the kids should go to a childcare and not a school? Why do I bother whether you experience and try out a new career in your life or not? Why should I care if insurance are being bought?

In the end, I’m left exhausted, penniless and blamed for not saving money or when something was not done or went wrong? I got “said” for not keeping my things, for losing things (then stop passing it to me), for not saving, for not bathing, for eating junk food, for not remembering the cost of those things I bought, for spending on something that I like but you guys find it useless, for helping others to buy food, for organizing parties, for giving lots of excuses, for forgetting anything, for not doing any chores, for making a decision, for not making a decision and blahs…

Shall I triplicate myself for you and you, and for myself?

“The sun is up but my world still looks dark… It’s not that I can’t see. It’s just that my world is covered…”

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