Thoughts – Summing Up My State

How did I end up like that?

I looked at myself in the mirror every morning and asked myself that question. In that mirror, I couldn’t see myself, or the one whom I remembered. All I could see was an auntie with messy and dirty hair, sticky face and an out-of-shape body in unmatched clothing, and one whom frequent the coffeeshops and supermarket, carrying bags of groceries. Alas… Again, how did I end up like that? Or is that even ME?! *in shock*

Women will change after they get married, I supposed that only happens to women with children. And of course the men won’t change. They (not all) are usually lazy before married and still continue to be lazy after that. Asked my lil’ hub and he will tell you that it’s a good thing. He never change. It’s still him.

I supposed I really change. Due to circumstances and responsibilities. I felt oblige to take good care of my children and bring them up to the best that I can, since it’s my decision to bring them into this world. That, wasn’t as easy as I thought when there are so many external forces. I’ve got a spouse who sides with his children too much. A dad and MIL who pamper their grandchildren too much. A mum who is extremely protective, actually so is my dad. And then my sis… Oh well…

There’s bound to be conflicts when so many people are involved. But just 2 person will actually affect the whole thing. Just yesterday, the lil’ hub came over and during dinner time, little Milkie started whining and said she don’t want to eat porridge. I was pumping my milk then and my mum was shouting and nagging at the little one to take her dinner. The lil’ hub came in then and asked me to do something (he wanted me to stop my mum from letting little milkie eats the porridge). I did. I took out my pump, went out and asked little milkie to eat her porridge for she requested to eat porridge yesterday and I had to go down and buy it, thus we cooked porridge for her today. He simply assumed.

After that, as usual, they played and screamed and I kept asking them to lower their voice for there’s a tenant staying in the other room. Neither of them listened after a very long time and then little milkie insisted that she wanted to eat the lollipop that my cousin gave him (the lil’ hub said that I’m depriving her of childhood but when I asked if he don’t mind bringing her to the dentist, he kept quiet). That was it. I put little milo down on the bed, took one hanger and stepped into the living room. I wasn’t one who likes to beat children but if it’s time to discipline, I will not hesitate. Well, I only need to action a little. Since I hardly or never beat her, she totally gave in when she saw me going all ‘mad’.

Peace after that. But she didn’t want to sleep with me. Was it because I scolded her? And that also comes to another point… Why do I have to be the only one who takes up the disciplinary role while the dad has fun with her only? Even if the lil’ hub don’t scold, couldn’t he play things with her that won’t let her end up getting reprimanded?

That was just a small part that’s happening in my life now. If it’s too long, stop reading because there’s going to be more…

You know… I’m supposed to be starting on my gym exercise last week. But since I was preparing for little milkie’is birthday party and were rushing for time, I decided to push it to this week. But darn, luckily or unluckily, it wasn’t the right time. With the upgrading going on, we had to stay in my aunt’s house for a few days. Today is the 3rd night. Another week to go. I have no idea why but ever since the move, the initial thought of having nothing much to do immediately disappeared the moment I stepped out of my parents’ house. It was a mad rush everyday. Little milkie is enjoying herself because it felt too much like a chalet. My dad was totally occupied and mesmerized by the renovation, and had been keeping and making himself extremely busy when actually he don’t have to. With my dad not helping out on the baby, mum and I have to share the load and thus explains the additional time taken up.

It’s tiring, if you were to ask me. For part of what my dad did often was to carry little milo but now I have to do it. No, I honestly love carrying him a lot. He’s simply adorable but at the same time, carrying him for too long always rendered me breathless (my sister even thought that I was sighing when I’m actually heaving out a deep breath to hang in there). Call me weak, I’ll admit. But I ain’t used to carrying a 3 months old baby who wears 9 months old romper. Little Milkie has always been on the smaller side but little milo is at the other end… Don’t ask me, I don’t know how it happened… But I’m really glad and thankful that both my children are growing healthily.

Till now, at times, the lil’ hub and I still finds it amazing and unbelievable that we are parents. Not to a wonderful kid, but to two beautiful (all parents think their children are beautiful lol) and wonderful kids. How had they changed my life… and shape…

My figure is totally out. From a petite XS to an M or L nowadays. I’d gained around 12kg in total, after these 2 births. The first one was really bad. How? The fats in my tummy area seems to have harden a bit with droopy boobs and skins at the tummy. Everyone tells me different methods of exercising, sometimes contradicting each theory. Who should I listen to? Whatever the case, it looks like I can only really start my exercise regime when I’m back at work in 2 weeks’ time. Am I ready to go back? No. Especially after I received the bad news…

It wasn’t release yet. But a colleague told me in advance that our company will be retrenching quite a number of people from all departments. I’m not sure if I’ll be hit. But with my newly ‘liability’, I need to make sure I have a stable job. So now I have another decision. To leave or not to leave. If I were to leave, then where do I go, what will I do? Suddenly, I realize this will disrupt my plans totally…

What will happen to the company that me and a friend had set up if I decided to go into the public sector? What will happen to the plans for me to kickstart my cake and party ideas? What will happen to the time that I save on traveling? And avoiding the crowds and breakdowns of trains? What will happen to my plans on guiding the 2 kids?

I have waited for so long. For me to have a second baby so that I will feel like a part of me is complete and that I can focus on another. But now this had to happen. Even if I’m not retrenched, the danger of getting hit anytime will be high in manufacturing industry. It’s a cycle. It always comes back. Everyone knows that. And I seriously cannot ‘endanger’ myself.

I’m lost. Or maybe overwhelm is a more correct word to use. Overwhelm by thoughts and decisions to think and make. Housing, car, finance, career, business, children’s education and discipline, my own learnings. I’m so lacking in almost all… And I seriously hated it when I’m not in control. I hate to just go with the flow without being able to be on track and follow a target. Numerous attempts to plan properly failed miserably with the ad hoc chores and messed up schedules.

Am I thinking too much? Or am I thinking and doing not enough?

I know I’m not doing enough, especially on the two latter points. My mum would think I’m wasting my time though. She always had. I’m not blaming her but had she been a little bit more supportive, I’m pretty sure I won’t be doing what I’m doing now.

I love to do a lot of things since young. And at the age of 16, I knew I love designing things, anything. Colours are part of my life but alas, I ain’t one to defy my parents’ order. It’s probably all fated. That I had to push myself harder because I didn’t when I was younger.

I need to be motivated. I have to push myself. Push myself to be a superwoman (since both the lil’ hub and my mum had always assumed that I am). Push myself to step out of the comfort zone in order to achieve more. But how do I do the long list of targets with the little time that I have? I know I need to plan but where do I start?

Now that there are more responsibilities – little milo and our future nest, I can’t and am not supposed to slack. Although at times the idea of a new house wasn’t really exactly that attractive and fantastic when I knew that my MIL will still be staying with us. I mean, it stii is as bad, if not worse. Just a few days ago, I went back to my house (which don’t feel like my house anymore) and then found more things hanging here, there and everywhere. It’s irritating but I don’t have any choice, do I? But what will happen if I moved to a new house? I really have to go back often to keep things in place and make it feel like mine. Otherwise it would be yet another ‘investment’. A friend of mine actually decided to drop the idea of getting a new house because her MIL is still alive. Conflicts. Ah… I do have it too but I don’t want to lose another opportunity for investment anymore. Imagine for the past 4 years, while I had been paying the monthly utilities bills when I’m not even staying there, someone had been collecting rental fee and getting rich. And it’s not as if part of it will even be mine! I definitely don’t feel balance if you were to ask me. So, I (and the lil’ hub) have decided to rent out the rooms in our new house. Especially if me and the children would still be staying at my parents’.

And this is not even all! I’ve got to start thinking for the children! I’m not really an extremely kiasu parent but neither am I one who totally don’t care. But for the past months, I’ve been slacking. Initially was the big tummy that’s blocking the way and the fatigue thats driving me nuts. After that is the birth of little milo followed by the adjustment of everybody’s life. Then came the renovation of my parents’ toilets which definitely doesn’t come with ease. This part, I must do something. I cannot slack anymore.

Furthermore, I still got to think of those businesses that I want to do!

Think, think, think…

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