Thoughts – A Cluttered Mind

Like I’ve always said, my room is almost a direct reflection of how my mind is. And now, my room looks like this:




Nice? *LOL* I think it’s driving my mum (and probably sister) crazy. *Cough* Wait, I’m trying, really, at the back of my mind, I AM trying to clean up… I’m not lying. And I’m TRYING HARD to sort out my mind. I’m serious. And that is DIFFICULT when I’m (almost) constantly lack of sleep.

I think I’ve also mentioned this somewhere in my blog quite a number of times before. But since my mind hasn’t been sorted out YET, whatever things that I mentioned and (by right) should be sorted out, is STILL stuck inside my head, and therefore I kept repeating it… So, one more attempt, I will try…

Utter Lack of Sleep
Sleep, as all of us should know, is extremely important. Studies have shown that a lack of sleep will result in a lot of health issues. I am very forgetful these days, especially for the past week where I lived on 5 hours or lesser of sleep a day. That is no good. I couldn’t even recall (or takes a looooong time) what I ate 2 days ago. I’m constantly dozing off in front of my computer. And with my huge monitor dead, I’m sitting at the same distance from the lappie, except that I’m now staring at half the size of my previous screen. Not only that, my threshold towards the lil’ hub has dropped so much that I felt it’s beginning to affect the relationship (but it’s also partly because of the BNSLH [Bo Nao Stupid Lil’ Hub]).

Shall endure for another 5 months+ and hopefully things will be better.

Getting So FAT
It’s linked. It’s a cycle.

Exhaustion > Stressful > Eat > Fat > Messy > Repeats

I’m losing the bet. I’m going to lose the bet. I’m not going to lose the bet. NO! I’m NOT going to lose the BET! I cannot give up like that but with all the circumstances, I’m constantly in a state of hunger or munching mood to keep myself awake or less stressful or what not. And now that there’s ONLY 5 more months left, I’m feeling even more stressed up! My 27″ waist… am I getting further away from it?? I don’t dare to go and even measure now…

I’ve got no energy to exercise, and I can’t really reduce much of what I eat. Ask me to eat grass and I will faint right in front of you NOW!

Wrinkles, Be Gone!
I really totally find it annoying at times at how things got itself entangled just because of ONE factor. It felt too much like an avalanche, and it felt too much like how I failed the stupid CE101, twice, and thus was delayed for a year for my degree. Now, just because I’m constantly not getting enough sleep and rest, and maybe healthier food, the wrinkles simply kept on appearing. Even SK-II doesn’t seem to help much. I’m trying out to put facial mask on a daily basis for a week but couldn’t keep up on the 4th day.

Determination Lost
You know it’s bad when things or routines start to go off the course or break half way. More than half of the time, I failed to complete what I want to do. Even my animals are starving in my Hay Day now. There are just too many things that I wanted to do and yet am completely lost of how or where to start. In short, most of the time in a day if I’m not working (because a work is due soon), nor taking care/playing with the kids, I am stoning, literally stoning.

Do I have a goal, preferably a common goal, that I can look towards to, with the lil’ hub?

The Keyword is Procrastination
This word should not appear in my dictionary but yet I kept seeing it. And now that my task list is so freaking long, I seriously wonder (everyday) how do I get to clear it. I asked a friend recently on what I should do to better manage my time, he told me to watch the last video of Randy Pausch. I did, and prioritize the things that I need to do. But will I follow through and hopefully reduce the length of my to-dos?

Mid-life Crisis
Oh, no, it’s not me, it’s my dearest lil’ hub. At least, that is what I suspected. It’s about time actually, for him to get his mid-life crisis. Like what I told him, suddenly he felt like he had never achieved anything. He’s still only earning that little and don’t like his job. What has he done for the 33 years of his life? I would say, it’s normal. And then you will be wondering, so what has that got to do with me? EVERYTHING. Because of this, he kept repating the same thing over and over and over again to me. Just a not so difficult decision to decide what to take for Masters, and he had to ask me for opinions for the past 2 weeks. And my stand hasn’t changed much since then!

Money, Money, Where Are You?
I’m changing my job, yes. Pay increment, yes, but it’s hardly by much. Am I still trying to earn more? Yes, definitely, if I have the chance and energy to do those things that I like that will actually earn me some extra cash. Really, I changed my job mainly because of peer pressure. I can only make myself feel slightly better by keep on telling myself that I took a 4 years break, for my career, in my current company to have children, and thus I’m lagging far behind my peers, with the lil’ hub’s friends all catching up with me.

I don’t feel balance if you were to ask me, for I struggled and spent 5 years to get that stupid piece of paper, thinking that it would let me earn more. But it’s not, really, that’s the one thing that I realised. And it somewhat doesn’t really matter which University you went to so long as it is somewhat recognized locally. So what if you are considered a professional if you don’t get to earn more? Worse still if it’s something that you don’t really like. That’s EXACTLY what I’m feeling right now. And a chat with the lil’ hub early in the morning doesn’t make me feel any better when I knew that one of them is earning almost as much as him (and that is almost like mine). WTH but life is like that.

Next Nest
Should we? Or should we not? That is one question that both the lil’ hub and I had been thinking. Did we make the correct choice to get our new nest? Or is that too rash a decision that we made? With all the unforeseen circumstances popping up, I sure hope we don’t get the approval or keys so early. *It’s not about the money, money, money…* Right… it’s ALL ABOUT THE MONEY! *LOL*

Anyway, while I’m more worried about the initial payment, the lil’ hub is looking more at the long term commitment that we will have. So, if it’s you, would you go and get yourself stuck in a 30 year loan and work your life will old, or would you want to sit back and relax, and enjoy an early retirement?

Planning for Retirement
It’s unlikely or impossible for our future generation to take care of their parents anymore, unlike in the olden days where the cost of living in Singapore is still relatively bearable. I mean, it’s still bearable now, so long you are willing to change and reduce your level of a comfort zone. I’m looking at my parents now, and comparing them with some of my friends’. Mine never planned for any, and I’m beginning to worry when the time comes if something bad were to happen. Or if something were to happen to either myself or the lil’ hub in the future. What are we going to do? I need some serious pointers here…

Education of Today
I was queuing up to get some materials for little milkie’s Heguru class last week and overheard the conversation of 2 parents behind me:

Man: Yes, I have a daughter. She’s 2 years old and attended this for 6 months already. So yours is SG50 baby?
Woman: Yes, January SG50 baby [In my mind: What! 9 months old??!!]

Well, I was shock, of course. The bar keeps on going earlier and earlier, and more and more difficult. I could hardly keep up anymore. From Heguru, to Montessori, to becoming a parent volunteer, to joining some clan, to think about all the activities that one could do…

And I really wonder how some mommies does it even though they are FTWM. I’ve heard from friends and colleagues that they have friends that can really do that. But how? It’s ASTOUNDING! *LOL*

***Wanting a More Balanced Life***
This is important. I don’t feel balance. 100% not balance. I’m committing my time to work and children, and I’m leaving almost close to none for myself. When was the last time I bake? Or decorate? I can’t remember. When was the last time I stitch? Oh no, that’s even worse! Where are all the businesses or blogs that I said I want to do or keep?!!! *sulk, feeling demoralised*

I would love so much to go to the beach and have a picnic. Stupid haze.

I… Am… Speechless… sooooooooooooooo demoralisssssssssssed.

Sorting Out the Clutterness
Lastly, I am really still trying. Indeed, I felt good after spending almost half of the day today at work to finish typing most of the things that’s going round in my head. Blogging has always been one way of de-stressing myself. It feels like a cap had been opened in my head and the cluttered messiness in my head will simply flow out like the air out of a balloon.

Well, I’m almost done in releasing it all out today so adios! It’s time to knock off soon! Endure!

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