Not Allowed

After so many years, I am still not allowed to be the one who threw a tantrum, an illogical one. I did today, I admit, I started it, which was rare. Whatever the reasons behind, it doesn’t matter. Even if he were to hear it, it would be deemed as mere excuses, nothing else. I threw a tantrum and that’s it, I’m given a death sentence even if I tried to apologize first. He said he has nothing to talk to me. I am alone again, as always. And it doesn’t matter where I go or disappear, he don’t care… I’ve seen it and experienced it… But however heartbroken I am, I need to tell myself that I’ve got two great kids waiting for me at home, and they need me…

So I cried, got reprimanded for wasting someone’s time and I tried to breathe. Hard.

I had a tiring day. Having not enough sleep and trying to get the small one to take his medication for the whole afternoon. Felt so bad when I punished him when he is sick. Felt so bad when he wanted to hug me but I rejected him. Was thinking of so many things and didn’t have much appetite, thus ended up only gotten one set of fish soup and probably never explaining well. Yes indeed, my bad to just get one set, but it hurts when he simply just tell me that I can’t eat. Excuses, maybe. But at the end of the day when I don’t get any hugs or kisses anymore, some loving words would be nice after a draining day… you had a long day, I did too even though I am not at work.

It… probably doesn’t matter anymore… Though I might have a lot of things to tell and discuss with you, I probably have to do it all by myself now… Since you’ve got nothing to talk to me. As always, I’m alone.


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