Everything that happens in 2018, happens for you, not against you. ~ Joey Yap
I noted this down at the start of the year. I didn’t know what will happen. I was a bit skeptical but nonetheless from past year experiences, it proves relatively accurate. The subsequent events prove it as well after the seminar. It started off with me taking up a course suddenly (learning new things), and then me finding a mentor-like friend (in the class I attended). Things appear closed to what was predicted too until a few days before, which I had zero preparation for it.
I was informed by my RO that I wasn’t just getting a bad appraisal and rating. The director wanted me out, out of the company, stating that I have low energy as well as laid back attitude. I have no idea how it came about. I simply do my work as usual. There wasn’t any warnings of any sort. I was simply given a death sentence like that. Pissed? Yes, very. Suck thumb? Definitely.
I was out for a revenge as what a friend had suggested, thinking of ways to prove myself. But then, eventually I decided otherwise as from the feedback that I received from my RO, both my bosses think I was horrible as well. So instead of giving them trouble because my RO insisted that I am good, I might as well decide to leave first to save them from headaches and thinking of ways to save me. I do not like the feeling of my fate swirling around me while I seem to be the only person in the dark, thus, I decided to initiate a chat with my new boss directly.
Any difference? Yes.
Turns out that though the new boss does feels like I’m lacking in some areas, she felt that I should be given a chance before she can manage me out since it wasn’t fair to ask her to when she is new. This was unlike the kind of feeling I get from what the RO said. And of course, I think I know where those low energy and laid back attitude comes from. It stems from the point where I don’t want to bypass my RO and talked to my old boss directly.
But it wasn’t all these that made me cried. The new boss mentioned that all the management had negative impression of me so I got curious and asked who are the management people. And there she goes, mentioning A, B, C, and D kept quiet, and all the Ds… At that moment, I realised I was just a scapegoat in a way. I have never worked with A and C. Even if I did work with A, I have every reason to fight from where I stand. C was totally out but why is she against me? But what hurts most was B. The moment when you confirmed those hearsays. I felt betrayed, literally stabbed right from the back as she used to sit behind me. This world is not as nice as I thought it would be. People observe and instead of giving feedback to make this world a better place, your mistake is my ammo, and it will be used during appraisal instead of correcting it. I was treated as the soldier of an enemy right from the beginning. It was nothing personal. I just failed to see it, my bad. My RO failed to see it too, her bad.
And now, I am living in the WTF feeling. That is the only 3 letters that kept going through and round my head. Why? Because it hurts.
Maybe I am too naive or too lucky but after working for more than 10 years, this is the first time I encountered such politics. And the decision not to bypass my RO for the fear of making her a little incompetent in managing me was probably the main cause of that impression. I can only say, I caused my own fate.
Whatever the reason is, it simply was too sudden for me and I wasn’t prepared at all. After much considerations, and picking up the signs from what the Universe told me, I have decided to ask for a transfer instead of staying on to prove my worth (and I seriously hope it won’t be stopped by the cunnings).
I would have, had the hurt been not as deep. Sounds illogical but that is exactly how I felt and is still feeling. I felt so disheartened to the point where I don’t even feel like going to work. But life goes on…
IS IT FATE?
What will be, will be. That had been something which I’ve said since a freaking long time ago. Maybe, everything that happened in the past months were really meant for me. To weirdly joined the HR and then suddenly pick up the HR course which I had insisted to start earlier instead of waiting to be sponsored. And then meeting a bunch of classmates who could possibly be my future co-partners. Everything seems so fated.
I am fortunate, really, if that were to be true. Even if it is not, I am glad for that seems to be the biggest take-away that I have other than knowing that fun-harmless bunch at work.
Yes, it hurts but I need to move on. I took the weekend to heal. Though I don’t think I am ready to face some of the people in the department yet. And it feels weird whenever I am in the office. Something is missing already and it’s a big sign telling me that I should go.
I am a little reluctant actually and so this morning I talked to the Universe, telling it to give me a clear sign (though some were already quite clear). I am a water element, thus I asked it to rain if I should go. Right now, the whole sky is dark. I wondered if it will rain…