On my 39th Birthday Morning

I just dumped a crying boy, who wants his mommy, at his grandparents hse ‘cos the mommy desperately wanted some me-time on her birthday.

Yup. It’s my birthday today. And yup. I just dumped my 2 kids at my parents’ house just so I can have a peaceful breakfast at the McDonald’s with a full set of Big Breakfast. No crying. No whinning. No wet tissues after wet tissues. No screaming. No fighting. Nothing. Just me. Just give me that 2 hours of peace. Just so I can blog a little. And get everything out of my head. And reflect, for the past 39 years.

2487 – my number for today

*breathe*

Don’t get it wrong. My life’s great. The kids are good. Lil’ hub’s getting better. Parents and sis’s fantastic. Work’s not too bad. I just need some me-time that ain’t located in the toilet, nor those rush moments during the weekday lunch, to think through things and see how I can make it even better. And to prep myself for the months to come. I can feel it, for whatever that’s coming.

You see, just a few weeks back, my MIL was hospitalised. Despite the fact that I do, sometimes, complained about the way she do things, nonetheless, I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to her. But alas, the news came and the counsellor mentioned that she’s suspected of having colon cancer. More tests were then made and came the day where the doc explained to us what was found. A big tumour, that covered almost a whole cross-sectional view of a part of the ascending colon that measures, on average, 6cm across, but leaving only a small gap in between that doesn’t allow a 1cm thick scope to go through. That’s the first, and I seriously hope, the last tumour photo that I will ever see.

The doc told us that there’s a 95% chance that it’s cancerous. And for a Stage 4 cancer patient to live up to 5 years is about 20%, with treatment. That left us dumbfounded for the doctor seemed so sure. And then the initial results came out, showing that it’s not cancerous, which made the doctor doubtful. So my MIL went for another scope, and now, we are in the waiting game again.

I’m an analyst. Based on what the doctor said, it’s highly unlikely that it’s not as much as I try to be hopeful. But then I am still hoping. We are still hoping and praying.

My MIL? She… well, not really that good although she tried to accept the fact. I haven’t had the time to sit down and talk to the lil’ hub yet about her mood. I saw her last night, she looked alright though. Hope she continues to be like that.

The lil’ hub? He… is managing well thus far but I’m quite sure he’s not feeling the full impact yet. There’s bits and pieces of guilt which I’m trying to brush it off. I mean, let’s just focus on the now. I do not want him to get distracted too much from his work either since it’s going to be a good year for him. And he’s changed quite a bit, or controlled, for the better.

So… I will try… as much as I can, and know how, and have the energy, to help him with regards to my MIL.

At the start of the year, I saw that both our bazi have a lot of changes at home. I’ve been wondering what. But now I know…

I just came back from a short Genting trip with my parents, without the lil’ hub who was at home accompanying his mother. It’s the first time I think I don’t want to be a single parent, if there is a choice.

The holiday is not like a holiday. My hands and eyes are mostly glued to the kids. At times when I’m holding something, I will held little milo tightly while my eyes are firmly glued at little milkie. I’m thankful that she’s rather obedient and that I don’t have to run after her nor shout at her much. Still, it was mentally and physically tiring for me despite the help from my parents and uncle. 3 nights of 4 to 5 hours of sleep. Was it my fault to watch the movie till late at night while waiting for my parents to come back at the same time and have some me-time? Or the early waking of little milo requesting for milk, brush teeth and more? Whatever the case is, it’s draining. And the last day wasn’t any better when the luggage broke and I had to, again, dump a crying boy with my parents so that I could dash around to buy the scotch tape and burgers, fixed the luggage, buy the baby wipes, and made it in time to board the bus, where I only had an hour of sleep before little milo stayed awake, and talked throughout the whole journey back!

*breathe*

Little milo? He’s getting sticky after the trip. Probably he’s seen me a tad too often for the past 4 days. Otherwise he’s good and he’s getting better although we will arrange and send him for the speech therapy. I guess the lil’ hub is a little too busy with his mother for now. Maybe I should take over that portion.

His teachers had commented that his motor skills and speech needed improvement. Had already taken note and will try to brush him up in those areas.

Little milkie? She’s good. Enjoying her holiday that’s ending soon, which means I need to quickly get her to finish up the rest of her homework. She did ask me to bring over for her to do too, which I’m glad.

Holiday ending soon. Just 2 more weeks, and the routine will start again. I ought to clean out and tidy up the notes for their Heguru too.

*breathe*

Parents? So far so good. Let it remains that way.

Sis? I’ll need to talk to her. Seriously need to talk to her. Finding time. Finding time. I need time.

Time. I don’t have the time to do the list of things that I want to. This year seems to be a year for me to learn things. From python, to all sorts of metaphysics stuff. I’m working on it, as much as I can but my energy is depleting when I felt lack of sleep. But I can’t sleep when I have to wake up so early. And I will sleep late if I try to study a little bit more.

But my plan is still there. 2 more years. I haven’t been really following that strictly. Will probably have to start doing that now that it’s exactly 2 years. The plans that I had wanted all these years. It’s moving but still at a slow speed. I NEED TO MOVE IT FAST NOW!

Great. Calm down. You can do it.

I know I didn’t manage to write everything out. Anyway, I’m already back at home after sneaking out for 1.5 hours and the boy cried for 1.5 hours. And now I’ve got my boy calling out for me every now and then, my girl bugging me to make the eye patch for her soft toys and my nephew who kept chatting with me.

And I still got to help my cousin on his python homework tomorrow. Meeting my partner to discuss how I can proceed tomorrow. Going to attend a seminar class for the next few days and taking an exam which I haven’t study. Completing an assignment which I haven’t finished listening to the classes. And then meeting a friend, and another friend, and planning for the clubhouse gathering, little milkie’s birthday, and…

That’s my life. A little burnout but I’m happy. I just need some more self-care and a little me-time. And some time to meditate and be in peace with myself, with the nature.

Happy birthday, my dear! You’ve done well! Keep up the good work and press on!

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