Juggling Balls

“Sometimes, I think life is really a bit overwhelming. Wonder if it’s because I suck at it.”

“I agreed. It’s like having issues trying to juggle and ensure no balls fall off your hands.”

“Ya… But the balls kept falling, and then more balls dropped onto your hands. And soon, you realised the balls are filled up to your neck, and you are not trying to juggle, but trying to breathe and not fall under.”

On a Monday morning, at work…

Mommy Needs to Breathe

“Moooooommmmmmy!!!!”

“Mommy, how to do this?”

“Mooooommmmy, I want story book.”

“Mommy, I don’t know how to do this.”

“Wah, beee, how ah? I really cannot accept…”

“Mommmmmmmmy, I want homework”

Mommy, moooommmmmy, mommy, moooommmy, beee, mommy, beee, moooooommmmyyy, mommy, beeee, mommmy, mooooommmmy, beeeee, mooommmy, mommy, bee, mommy, bee, mooommmmyyy!!!

“Wait, wait, WAAAIIIITTTTT!” cried the mom, inside her head.

That’s how I’d been feeling, most of the time when I’m at home. But yet, I had to try and make sure that I don’t flare up. After all, the children ain’t that old yet, and they needed my company and attention, and that goes the same for the lil’ hub. Then again, what about the mommy dearest?

(Breathe… I just want to breathe…)

It could be due to the recent events, that left me feeling breathless, especially today when anxieties suddenly hit me out of nowhere while we are out shopping. It used to only occur when I am at work. No good. I am not good.

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Even as I am writing now while eating the left over kueh lapis and drinking a cup of milk, I can’t seem to fully calm myself down. There is simply just too many things going inside my head. My insurance, parent’s insurance, credit card, retirement, car, children’s homework, outstanding work, travel plans, rashes, scars, sunburnts, childcare, money, business, pack the room, vacuum cleaner, milk bottle and the list goes on.

(I feel so tired…)

Then just go and sleep. That will be what the lil’ hub would say. I wished for that too. But if it’s a weekday, I will have to wake up at 5.50am so that I won’t need to fight for the toilet with the rest. And on weekends, most of the time I will be woken up my little milo who only disturbed me and wants my company. I should be happy but yet I wished I had some more time to breathe. Me-time?

Friends told me that in future, even if I want their company, they might not want mine anymore. So I guess I should simply just endure it?

(But… but… but…)

To the extent that my anxieties came back, is that a good thing?

Me-time should be available on a daily basis, so that the mom gets to recharge, and thus can give more afterwards. The mom should not wait to prevent sudden burn outs like that.

But how? When having me-time seems like a luxury. Having sanity day once in a while doesn’t seem enough, yet cannot afford to go out too often. Is there anything to be done that provides some kind of comfort and sanity for the mothers?

Something, in Common

We walked around, indulging in those amazing creations. Talking so excitedly like two young children. There was a lot of joy poking fun at each other. Though simple but we were very happy.

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Back to Reality:

Me: I tell you which one I like.

Before I pointed out which one…

Him: Where are you going to put?? You still got space to put meh? Buy so many Lego for what?

Me: *totally turned off*

……

I guess that’s life. As much as I would love to have those “happily ever after”, it seems like only a very small percentage of people will get to enjoy that. And that’s why you (or at least, I) got addicted to watch it in dramas, movies and read in books, where it’s FICTION.

I probably would have written it somewhere in my blog before, that I always seem to be the one trying to like his interests, so that we have something in common. Seems like it had been put in some corner of my head till yesterday. Lego. It’s not that feminine but yet that idea was almost trashed out immediately after I brought up the fact that I like one of the sets. Even back at home, while the 3 of us are playing role-playing using Lego, he will simply sit there with his phone.

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Here’s what we had for V-day. Nothing special but at least not the usual. He’s exceptionally nice for the past few days, at least he tried, for he knew he pissed me off really big time this time.

Put it this way. It’s the day before reunion dinner. Why do you have to kick up a big fuss just because no one is looking after a 4 years old toddler early in the morning, and ended up him drinking the evaporated milk from the fridge? Do you have to say that I am an irresponsible mother? Have you forgotten the fact that I am sick, too, and having insomnia? My parents are busy with the CNY preparations too!

I went to stay at my parents house with the children because we had HFMD, and so that you can get to rest more. Yet the kind of feedback that I get is as such.

What’s worse? During my aunt’s wake, you actually argued with me not once, but TWICE, when I even asked you to stop! I am deeply sorry though 3 days had passed, I haven’t fully recovered from the damages you’d caused. I salute you for understanding that you are probably in the wrong, so please continue to do what you should be doing. For at this point, the sight of you and your mom still irks me. It is that bad, if you thought it’s not. One who verbally abuses me, and the other always try to act smart.

Without respect, love is lost. I hope you will keep that coaster that I passed to you. Remember it, please. We already don’t have much in common. I am already very lack of love from you. To hurt me like that, you are only digging your own grave.

I will go and print out your motto for this year.

Be Forgiving and Kind.

R.I.P., ASAB

It’s those mornings that you dread. That the inevitable had come. The first message you read on your phone.

24 hours had passed since I received the news that my 2nd aunt had passed on. Ain’t that surprise, just hoping that it will be a few more weeks but yet am already very thankful that she managed to celebrate the Chinese New Year. Maybe because she had always been nice and thus the higher up there decided to let her live a few more days.

Unlike 14 years ago when my Goddad decided to pass on early, instead of just keeping everything to myself, I’ve decided to just write. Isn’t that the purpose of this blog?

My 2nd aunt lived beside my parents since 1987. And then on the other side on the same floor, are my 1st and 3rd aunt a.k.a. my godmum. I’ve lived in an HDB kampong since young and I had a wonderful and happy childhood despite being a ‘protected animal’ with lots of restrictions and curfews. It’s a relatively big family. We were close.

Last July, the aunt was diagnosed with stomach cancer and her health deteriorated from then on. Just before CNY, the doctor even mentioned that it’s unlikely that she will survive till then. But she hung on, managed to stay overnight at her own house too. She didn’t wait for the family to reach the hospice this morning but we heard that she went away peacefully.

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I stood staring at the block which I’ve stayed for the bulk of my life this morning when I went back. I still can see the CNY decorations that we put up from where I stood. And today, it felt different. Different from every other day. Different from the day my goddad passed away. Probably it’s because we were expecting it somehow, and thus none of us was surprise, though still devastated.

The removal of the reds had already began when I went up. No words needed to be said as I dropped my things and joined in. Something which the lil’ hub will not understand immediately. Why do I need to go back so early? To give as much help and support as I can, to whoever that needs it, even if it’s just sitting there and waiting. To accompany my aunt for her last journey on Earth. To grieve, openly.

The tents were set up. Wreaths were ordered and it took us a while to find it for lots of shops aren’t delivering till today.

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And then she was back. A tiny small body wrapped in white, and then put into the coffin after some ceremony. Then everyone wept, quietly.

ASAB, rest in peace. You will be missed.

我的老婆在楼下,我那里可以在上面太久。要陪她,不然就没有机会了。- Husband of Aunt

Let the Time Passes Fast Today…

I woke up to the news of Aloysius Pang passing away. Not a good news to wake up to. I’m not related to him but yet I’m sadden by the news, likewise the many other NS men that we read in news. Probably felt a tad more because I’ve watched him acted since young. And I quite like him, my girl too. Yet, just like that, because of reasons which I can’t visualise, he’s gone.

Investigations can be done. Someone may be blamed. Preventions can be stated. Actual situation? You never know. But what is the use of all these to the family? He can never come back. I looked at the posts on his girlfriend’s IG, and I’m even more saddened by it. Thus, I have always stick by the rule that, if you cannot be with someone, so long he is still alive, it’s okay…

Chinese New Year is round the corner but yet the festive spirit is saddened and covered by such news. It probably is one of the worst CNY I had to pass, especially when I heard from my mom that the doctor mentioned that my aunt might not make it through CNY. Thus, I better finished my usual CNY deco real soon, for my aunt will be back this coming weekend for reunion dinner.

My mind is in a blank.

Though it’s a matter of time but… Furthermore, my uncle (aunt’s husband) recently stayed in hospital too due to some issues, which he refused to check.

Have you ever heard of those stories where the loving couples, husband and wife died one after another when they are old? Why do I get the feeling that it will happen…?

Suddenly the CNY, Qing Ming and the 7th Month seems like a time to purge the human race.

Time passes slow today. The office seems quieter than usual for some reasons. Even my director removed her only piece of CNY decorations, which I don’t know why. Let’s just hope things don’t go anymore worse than this.

For now, RIP, AP.

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Shopping – Charging Cable from Minisou

Seriously, this feels like the dumbest item I’ve gotten my whole life. I would say I love the charging cable from Minisou as the colours were very nice, not too expensive and it works nicely without breaking down fast. And so far, I’ve gotten quite a few from it.

So recently, I went to buy another piece as I forgot to bring back the one in the office. And alas…

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I didn’t need a very long one, so I bought the 1.2m which is suffice. But I had the shock of my life when I saw the cable. I probably should have checked but this is the first time I saw such cables for charging phones!

And now, I had to endure the fact that I bought a 0.5m cable instead of a 1.2m, as it kept pulling my phone back to the power plug. Sigh…

It’s still a nice day. It’s Tuesday today!

Two Weeks into 2019

*Breathe*

Where should I begin…?

It’s merely 2 weeks into 2019 and I can foresee changes in the year ahead.

I haven’t been able to focus since the chat with my boss. It was good. I’m good. Definitely cleared of the “not so good reputation” that I had last year. I made it and proved to them that I ain’t what I am just so they do not know me. But at the same time, it means that there will be more expected of me. And knowing the character of my boss, she will push me, if I want to. Then again, do I?

Streams of thoughts went through the head last week. Nose kept running and ain’t feeling that well, and so I used it as an excuse to rest at home. Didn’t achieve as much as I had wanted for I ended up helping my mom to clear the toys and kitchen section, of which she kept insisting that it’s all mine and my sister’s stuff. She’s wrong, of course. It’s hers and my sis. I won but I lost a day. My mom, the manager that always act like a doctor, and like she did tons of things while we didn’t (she did really quite a bit), and sometimes behave like a dictator LOL.

Nonetheless it felt good to be at home, to clear and pack the things, to spend more time with the children, to have pockets of rest time here and there, which I won’t get to enjoy shall I continue to work in a 8 to 6 job. Yes, hardly 9 to 5 anymore. Travelling takes up lots of time too. Time is something I don’t have, for I sold it to the company that I’m working in.

Time vs money. I want the time but I need the money. And for the past 15 years, I’ve been working and sadly, due to my spending habit, I didn’t save at all. Regret? Yes, kind of but there is no point looking back. Working for others is not the kind of life that I wanted. I knew it since young, without knowing my bazi or whatsoever. But with a simple and conservative mom, I was taught to just study something easy and get a job with decent pay, and that will do. I hunger for more at that time, but not hungry nor daring enough to make choices. By the time I knew exactly what I want, I felt like I’m stuck in the rat race, not knowing what to do or how to get out. The fear to be stranded and alone, penniless, prevented me times and again to come out. Now that I’m married with 2 young kids, it felt even more difficult.

But then what happens if someone tells you that it’s now or 12 years later? 12 years… will I still want to start my own business? 12 years… do I want to continue working for others? 12 years… I will be over 50 years old…

So, am I going to ignore all the signs?

I think the path had been laid out since last year. Though challenging, but it’s all FOR me. From the point where I decided to take up a course which never cross my mind before. Knowing a classmate which is someone I quite looked up to, and ended up probably doing a partnership with him. And whatever my mind is asking, the lecturers seem to answer it for me. Asked for signs, and this popped out.

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It never told me the answer, just guiding my thoughts – stay on track (8 to 6 job), or drive thru (on fast track to other areas). And that’s not all.

Time then flies, and by the time I re-think again, it gave me a more definite answer on my different fate among the possible 3 options. Of course, it pointed to the same direction. Went on a Fengshui course, met a lady who is quite good. Read my chart and told me to go ahead, the louder the better. And then just recently, when I was swaying, out of nowhere, a friend sent a tarot link over, I took it and wow… it says exactly the same thing. And the last one that took me by surprise was Joey Yap, whom I have followed for years. It felt like he was telling straight in my face – like DO YOU WANT TO GET OUT THIS YEAR?

I… can’t simply ignore the signs. Ignoring the signs will only end up causing me more misery. But I know I cannot simply drop and go. At the very least, I need to plan what I can do. I still have to raise 2 children and I don’t want the lil’ hub to feel too burdened financially too. And I need to make sure I can support myself and those areas for the children where the lil’ hub is not willing to take up, such as Heguru. It’s a big headache but I definitely don’t want to be unfair to the younger one, just because I quit my job. The love should be spread evenly among the children, my little milkie and milo.

Love them to bits. Irritating and yet so adorable at the same time. I hope they grew up well. I will, on my part, try my best to guide them. The world is moving fast. Parents are working. I’ve seen so many cases of children reflecting how their parents behaved. To an extent, it is not their fault, they were guided that way.

I had a chat with my youngest cousin yesterday. He just received his ‘O’ levels results. It wasn’t good but definitely not like he screwed his life up because of his dad. Likewise, the dad was pissed because he insisted that the kid ignored and scolded him. Cause and effect. If you don’t want the effect, then don’t create the cause. If cause can’t be changed, then do some other cause that will change the effect.

Life is simple but people makes it complicated. It’s easier to blame others than to have some self reflection.

A friend asked me what books did I read because I seemed so enlightened about life. You don’t need books. There’s only a few rules to live by such as, Do not do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you. Learn, reflect, un-learn, re-learn. Isn’t this how a computer learns so that it keeps on improving itself? Why does humans know what a computer should do but yet not on themselves to make this world a better place (for you and for me).

Though those had been said, I do have my limits too. Examples on the recent events with my dad. He is old, I know, but it really takes a saint to talk to him and not flare up. His ears had been having problems. Told him to go for a check up or wear an ear aid but he simply refused, stating that he is perfectly alright and that wearing that is ugly and doesn’t help at all (based on a testimonial from an uncle). It’s dangerous, especially when he’s driving. Many a times I had to shout at him to tell him that someone is crossing or what not. And he seems not able to focus as much anymore. He’s fetching my kids. I am scare yet I am lost at this moment on what I should do. I definitely do not want something to happen before I made any changes.

I’ve got a hard nut to deal with back at home. If this happens, I have no idea what shit I will get again.

Sigh…

Whatever it is, since it’s going to be a great year ahead for me, I should stop worrying and start thinking. Probably we all should.

Before I start my day…

Before I start my day today, here’s what I want to say. Kudos to all the mommies and daddies with children going to primary school! If you think that kindergarten is bad, waking up that early and making sure that the kids had enough sleep and not late for school is even worse.

First week’s over for 2019, my flu and cough hasn’t recover. Lil’ hub had to go reservist during period and I’m so thankful again that I’ve got my parents to help. Been keeping up with trying to get the kids to sleep before 10pm, and making sure that they brushed their teeth and rinsed their mouth after their last bottle of milk. Am constantly mindful that I don’t use my hp while I’m with them too. As well as do my work unless really necessary like yesterday where I did for 15 minutes and little milkie complained. Yet I can’t fault her for I should not bring work back home.

Been taking a photo of myself to remind me that… I am as lazy as I look.

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But looking at the time that I have, I seriously wonder will I ever have the time to do anything at all this year.

*shake it off!*

Breathe. It’s only the 8th day. Trust that you can do it, and then you will!

“My Wish is to Become a Smartphone”

It’s little milkie’s first day of school! And I’m currently at home, waiting for the time to fetch little milkie from school.

How’s things so far? Well, the morning was relatively smooth, with little milo not insisting on his YouTube watching (we forgot to hide the remote control yesterday night). But will probably have to adjust on the timing again as sending little milo to school first might cause his sister to be late for school.

Continue reading ““My Wish is to Become a Smartphone””

Yardsale is Here Again!

It’s the start of a brand new year, and what’s on my resolution list? Not 1, not 2 but 33 items! I think I am being a little too ambitious but I sure am so excited, especially tomorrow where it’s little milkie first day of school in Primary 1!

And somehow after I de-cluttered my craft room 2 weeks ago, the fengshui seems to have gotten better and now de-cluttering is on my priority list! I have also come to face the fact that I will never be able to go back to my pre-pregnancy size, so I just hope that there will be someone who will own them from now on.

So… my yardsale is up again! Look out for the items in my Carousell, I will be posting it there! Or click on some of the links below.

BN Jack n’ Jill Natural Toothpaste $10

BN Sally Hansen Gel Polish (042 Koi Carol) for S$3

BN L’oreal Super Liner Expressionist for S$10