Hey…

Hey… what are you doing there?

Nothing. Just lying on the bed, exhausted, thinking through the day, thinking through the years, thinking through my life…

What is there to think?

Tons… for one, I felt especially emotional today. It was little milkie’s Primary 1 school orientation. I felt excited. But the moment when the teacher led her away to sit with her classmates, a sudden wave of emotions swept over me, and I was almost on my tears, not once but several times after that.

Why?

Time flies… 7 years had gone so fast. I could vaguely still recall that DL look on her face when Dr Ching held her up. Within a few days, she pulped up a little and got us all mesmerized over her with that big big eyes. She looked soooooo adorable!

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Has that changed?

No. She’s still quite adorable but irritating at the same time. Her temper isn’t something to be trifled with (but so is mine LOL).

……

So has life been good?

It’s GREAT! Simply wonderful, except that I felt kinda burnout from my work. Office work. I mean, I do somewhat enjoy what I am doing, but there are other parts of my life that I neglected, and I don’t like it.

What other parts do you mean?

Literally almost every other things else. *LOL* The business ideas that I wanted to execute is going at an extremely slow pace. There isn’t enough time and energy to brush up the weak areas that their teachers commented though there are already improvements. My craft area is in a total mess, and things kept going missing. My finance too, and I forgot to pay bills. Gym routine also almost halted due to the time constraint and I kept getting sick in alternate weeks due to the renovation in my office.

Wow, that seems quite a bit.

Yup, that’s why there’s a lot of things going through my head now. Especially when it’s the year end and my resolutions are still *cough*.

Then did you achieve anything at all?

Oh yes, I finished my HR Postgrad Dip, and realised that I find it so lame, and that I don’t really like it *LOL*

Oh. So how?

I don’t know. Whatever decision that I made, I need to ensure that financially, I am still okay. After all, the kids are still young and I can’t possibly throw the whole thing onto the lil’ hub.

……

True. How is he doing?

Good. Finally seems to have some possibility of getting promoted. I just hope he can hang in there a little more instead of jumping ship at this moment.

I thought he had some business ideas a while ago?

Well, looks like it will be just another business idea. Period. I got used to that. It probably isn’t the right time for him?

How about yours?

Slow. Messy. I simply had too many things that I wanted to achieve in my head but the energy level can’t keep up with it. Wished so much I can take a day off from work and go to the beach. Beach…

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……

Then why don’t you just do that?

No more leaves. My leaves had been depleted, for parent volunteer, holiday in Japan, and some other unplanned situations.

Weekend?

It’s crowded. *LOL* Oh well, I’m just going to endure for a month more. Gosh, just another month and a new year will be here.

Yes. Any resolutions?

Yes, lots, and lots are repeated because I never seem to get it done. Horrible, isn’t it? Take slimming down as an example. How long has it been? And recently I can feel myself expanding again.

How come?

At the start in July, it was okay. I joined the gym and consistently went during lunch. But then just before I went for holiday, I got sick and stopped. Came back and a week later, I got sick again. And after that it looks like every alternate week. I think it’s due to the renovation work in my office. Furthermore, work had been quite hectic, and I binge on food when I use my brain too much.

Oh, right. So any solution?

Will probably request to work from home if I can sense my nose getting bad, like now. Will see how things goes. Am thinking of restarting my gym regime too.

Good luck!

Yeah, thanks, I probably need that as well, on top of energy. I slept early last night and I still felt so tired. Dreamt of the past.

The past? When?

20+ years ago? Wondered what would happen if I made some decisions differently. Maybe somewhere in another world, I did.

You seem to have some regrets.

Who doesn’t? *LOL*

……

It’s been a few weeks now. Any changes?

Yeah, probably realised that I, myself, is the problem. Instead of tackling and focus on the things I want to do, I gave myself excuses times and again just to make myself feel better. Maybe I am just too used to being in my comfort zone.

Does that inspires you to do more?

I’m not too sure. At this moment, it doesn’t feel so. Energy is still low but I know the time is running. It’s like another year is coming, again and again.

Does planning helps?

I’ve been planning. It’s the execution. I am not executing it fully. It’s always at the start. Sigh. Sometimes I feel so pissed with myself!

Anything I can help?

How? Even if I really need, I also don’t know where to start. I’m feeling so… lost… Not the kind of lost where there is totally no direction. Just… how to proceed. I need some time on my own. I don’t know why I always feel so busy. Am I really busy?

……

Are you?

Maybe not in reality but in the head, yes, I guess.

……

You looked tired…

Yes, I am. It got worse since little milo changed his school. His sleeping hours changed and now he slept at 8pm+, but woke up twice around 3am to 5am for milk.

Wow, sounds horrible.

Yes, it is.

……

Since we are only a few days from your short trip which will end with the last day of the year, why not take the time now to reflect…

Well, Christmas’s just over. I’m happy to see that the kids really enjoyed themselves. But one thing that I realised. Maybe, I really did not spend as much time with little milkie as I thought I had. Maybe, from her perspective, I really am always looking at the phone (as what she had told my cousin). She’s always asking me to play with her but as I’m always exhausted, most of the time I probably rejected her. I kept forgetting that she’s still a child. Soon, she probably won’t even want me around.

And then I remembered that day at the USS. It was only for a minute that at the same time, both the lil’ hub and I took out the phone while waiting in queue, and little milo, with his body language and not really verbalised words, asked us to keep it. They kept reminding us that they wanted our company but we didn’t take note of it…

What’s worse? The plans I made in 2019 doesn’t include a lot of play time. I’m not trying to make excuses but being a full time working mom does have its challenges. It’s not easy to allocate the time correctly when there are so many things to juggle.

Sometimes I did wonder how do some mommies survive all these. The thought of quitting my job did come across but after some calculations, it might be challenging to do it this year. Then again, if not now, then when? Unless the business starts to pick up real fast, otherwise it might be difficult. At age 3 and 6, I think I do really need to spend more time with them.

And at age 38, I would say that the energy level dropped a lot. As much as I wanted to spend time with the children as well as for my work, I cannot do it at the expense of my health. Hair dropping, wrinkles coming, dark spots popping, gums receding, fungus growing, fats accumulating. Sigh… and so I signed up for the gym which I don’t utilise as much as I should. I will try again though. And hopefully the friend who lost 12kg through exercising and dieting can inspire me to do the same.

……

Feeling better after the short break?

Yes! And that’s it! Just a blink of the eyes and it’s a minute to 2019! And I’m going to be 39! Looking back, I can see my life going up and down. Just look at the no. of posts I’ve posted in the year and you will know what kind of year it is for me. For the past 2 to 3 years, I probably was a little too overwhelmed by the responsibilities of a parent for two, as well as a change of job, and so everything turned haywire.

But it’s all going to change again. 2019 will be a GREAT year for both YOU and ME!

Happy New Year!

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Great Vibes ONLY!!

After months and months or even years of feeling lost and pre-occupied with things that I have now come to realise that I don’t really like to do, I think it’s finally time to set a new target, aim and work towards it!

The title of this blog post says it all. GREAT VIBES ONLY! Yes, from now on, gone are the negative thoughts. I’ve got a new aim, I’m going to get a new life, and it will all come true in another 10 more months. More changes will be seen as 2019 comes, with little milkie going to P1 and little milo going to a new kindy, though I am not too sure where yet. But, fear not, I have faith that the school will pop up real soon!

Inspirations, keep it coming! I hear you, Universe!

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The Mood is Bad

It’s probably the time of the month soon and thus I am feeling a little more than moody. I ain’t really happy with what I’m doing. A friend told me to change the way I work or I shall face extinction. Maybe its the lack of sleep that always made me so reluctant to go to work. Maybe its the lack of passion. Whatever it may be, it is not good. My mood swings are getting from bad to worse. I am drowning in my incompetency. I don’t like what I am doing now but life goes on, it always goes on. I knew that long ago. But to move along with it every day can be real tiring. I feel like crying. It’s been a long while since I do that. Cooped up inside.

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Day 30 of Reboot

It’s 12.03am, just finished my office work and shut down the lappie. Oh, correction, it’s stop doing. I haven’t finished yet. I’ve made it a point to sleep earlier every night, today I’ve already failed to do so, thanks to my old boss who asked me to provide the data to her which usually I probably could only do it earliest on the 6th. Providing the data early is not as issue so long she don’t expect me to do a nice and swee swee (pretty pretty) one for her.

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